Monday, November 4, 2013

Open

So for the past few weeks I've had this urge to write things, to write my thoughts, to write my problems, and I have...oh believe me I have, I just haven't posted them.

They're all sitting in the "draft" section of my blog that no one can see. And it's probably for the better since they're cryptic yet easy to unravel.  I'd post them, but something tells me not to because they're not something most people want to read, especially me.

Most of them are rants,  rants about how my life hasn't changed, rants about how reading the updates on your life are making it so abundantly clear that we're complete strangers, which is nothing like we used to be, and rants about you.  You and your bullshit, your childish bullshit you dragged me into, and the way you're handling me.

There are also rants about how my friends are utterly convinced that I'm the most miserable person alive when I'm in a relationship and that I need to be set free.
My argument is that I'm just not a mushy person, and I get bored easily, and that in most relationships I'm an unattached guy.
They're argument is...I'm unhappy no matter what I have in my life, thus I should be separated from human life.

My argument is that I just need to graduate, move the hell out of dodge and get my career started, while taking the last three people in my life with me.

As a controlling person, I have this need to know what is going to happen when I open my eyes and take my next breath.  This "Not knowing" not "Being in control" is killing me not-so softly and it's leaving me skeptical about everything I thought I knew. 
I thought I knew exactly who would remain in my life (Family excluded because they're always there thank god) but I don't.  As time passes I find myself on the outside, either included in a round about way or completely on the outside looking in on something unfamiliar, which is partially my fault because I don't try hard enough but...Its unsettling.  If I wanted to look at you through the imagined glass that is between us I would have put myself there and I would be happy about being there, the fly on the wall to your life. But I'm not, in fact I'm miserable here.  I'm lost.  I'm unhappy.  I'm screaming and banging on the glass in my head but when I look at myself from an outsiders perspective I see me just standing there, doing nothing, calmly looking in on the small portion of the life they let me see.  In reality I'm screaming though, banging and crying to be let back in, promising to be a better friend, While knowing all too well the future outcome of being on the outside of this window.
When I used to look up jobs I found tons, now I hardly find any and the ones I find I wouldn't qualify for, (no thanks to this damn school).  Music I used to love, I still love but the new stuff is changing and I no longer recognize who the band is.
And Me, my attitude towards people, towards school, towards life, is familiar, very familiar to my old teenage angst self, but different from what I was a few years ago.  I don't know this person at all.

My ability to care about what I say to people, or in general, is fading away and as the words fall out of my mouth and into the world I often laugh at them, as do those who hear them, but at the same time in my head I sometimes gasp at what I say, knowing there is no taking it back.

Maybe I just need a vacation.  From everything, a refresher.  I noticed that when I went on my first and second trip to Europe and Hawaii, I was happy, I came back refreshed and different and able to make tough decisions in my life.  I was able to accept the change that was happening around me and I was less bitter and my ability to let go was easier, along with the acceptance.

maybe I just need to let go, maybe I just need to let everyone and everything go, and watch and see where the chips fall. . .

as I drink wine of course.

Because like hell I'm watching me saying goodbye to everything sober.

bitch please.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Afraid- The Neighborhood


I am utterly addicted to this song.  Everything about it is amazing.  And speaks to me for some strange reason. 
This kind of fits how I've been feeling lately with school...

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I miss

I miss being able to play the piano.  I miss my piano teacher who taught me how to really play, along with the music that I wanted to play, and I miss the feel of the keys underneath my fingers and the peddle underneath my foot.  I miss the accomplished feeling I got when I could play an entire piece all the way through without missing a key.

But on the flip side, I do Not miss recitals. I do not miss the stress it caused me, playing in front of people, and I do not miss having to choose crappy songs to play. 

I miss dancing, more importantly I miss ballroom dancing and my ballroom dance class. I miss the people in it, the friends I made in there were like no other. I could just let loose in that class and be me, which is loud, goofy, accepting and just all around happy.  I went into that class shy, and an all around wallflower, with a "bad aura" as one of my friends (who apparently liked me and I didn't notice) said to me.  three months later he came back and said "your aura has changed completely, you're so much nicer and more approachable"  This entire encounter changed everything for me in that class and my all around relationship with most of the people in there.

I miss the guys I met in that class, two who liked me and I never knew until it was too late, one I dated and that blew up in my face real quick, and one who I had a crush on that was so subtle I didn't even notice it until he left to go to a different university.  That man had swag though, first black guy I could actually picture myself being with.

I miss being able to paint.  I miss being able to pick up a paint brush and know what colors to blend and where to put them.  I haven't painted in close to 10 years and I honestly don't know if I'd be any good at it now. I miss watercolor, and acrylic.  I miss the smell of it, the feel of the paint brush in my hand, smoothly moving around the canvas.

I miss art class at TCC. I miss being able to joke around with my friends while listening to music and drawing something by an end date and having it come out really well.  I miss the praise and encouragement I got from my professor. 

I miss the carefree life I had before I turned 19.  I miss the vacations I could take, the money I could spend without worrying about rent and groceries.  I miss having a steady good paying job (that in retrospect I loathed to its very core)

And I miss you.  This feeling comes and goes, and maybe it's hitting me more then ever now because I'm up at 5am, unable to sleep, thinking about old times and how wonderful my life was and what great friends I had back then and how with time they've all moved on to other things and different places.   But with that said, I still miss you.  I still miss hanging out, you complaining, about everything and nothing.  I miss our arguments and the smell of your cigarette smoke.  I miss you being the only one that called me "babygirl"  I miss the midnight birthday texts and I find myself missing you more than ever when "Knights" plays on my computer or Flobots.



It's funny though, looking back and proofreading what I've written, I'm realizing that all of these things that I miss I used to complain about all of the time. And now that things have changed in my life I'm greatly regretting stopping some of them (like painting and the piano) and I really don't remember the negative things, but instead the good memories of most of the others.


...and on a side note, I also miss pole dancing. Even though I wasn't very good at it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The things I wish...

The things I wish I could tell you about in this blog.

But I can't because it will just get me into more trouble than I already am.

I can't vent about my weekend because it deals with my school and their RA's utter bullshit and boredom, leading them to pour out all of our booze.

I can't rant about the fact that in one of my classes we used to be continuously told that we would never be able to get jobs after graduation, and that the tests that I given are next to impossible to pass.  Nor can I vent about the fact that in another class the instructor is about as far away from open minded in the subject they're teaching which has lead me to both call them out on their generalization and racism , while also leading me to hate them even more than I already did.

I could talk about the fact that being in a major that is predominately female was probably one of the single worst decisions I could have made in my lifetime. (Hello DRAAAAMA)

And how a couple of weeks ago I bought some bread and exactly 48 hours later 30% of it was molding and the lady I called at the store had the nerve to give me attitude about it.

I could talk about my birthday, or how my bf forgot said birthday, along with YOU, and how it hurt but I've gotten over both and at least YOU had good reason to forget. (you know who you are)

I could finally put the post about how amazing my Furry Man/ Sexy Stud Muffin was, complete with pictures, but everytime I think about writing it I end up curling into a ball of sadness and sobbing in a corner under a pile of blankets as I remember him taking his last couple of breaths as he lay on my lap in Doc. Chase's vet room with my mom by our side.
Hell even just writing that I teared up.


The truth is, I haven't written in this blog because I have nothing to write about.  Or rather I have nothing Interesting to write about because I've fallen back into that repetitive flow of "same shit, different day" syndrome, and some days I literally have Deja Vu with conversations and actions and It's very unsettling. I thought being a teenager in bumfuck was boring, nothing compares to being an "adult" in....the north. Or rather a young adult college student going to a university that gives the "high school"/community college drama filled feel to it.

And it seems like everytime I think I can escape this repetitive rut, I get sucked back into it and unlike in 09/10 when I could claw my way out of it with trips to Europe, I'm stuck.  I'm poor, I'm struggling to keep within my budget and I'm constantly worried if I'll be able to graduate, get a job and live my life, while also taking these epic trips around the world before everything falls out from under us.


I am in dire need of a vacation!  A vacation to another city, another country, another world!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Work Ethic

Has apparently gone out the fucking window from when I got hired.

No joke, I was hired in 07 and have always had a strong work ethic. I showed up to work 15 minutes early, clocked in and asked what needed to be done. I would get as much of it done as quick as possible and as best to my abilities. In...09? We hired a girl who had pretty much the same work ethic as myself, if not better, and ever since then, everyone I've seen come through here has had shitty work ethic.

Where is it? What happened to getting your work done quickly and efficiently? What happened to showing up to work on time? Not calling out because it was a nice day out. What happened to doing what I fucking tell you to do?


I am tired, of getting these kids today who get a job, then sit there and whine and complain about having to do work, and not getting a lot of money when their check comes, or not having any hours.

1) You got this job, when someone else out there really wants it because they have bills to pay. So SHUT UP!
Don't sit here whining about how you have to do all of this hard work. Please understand that no matter where you go, you will have to work your ass off to get your pay check. Or else you'll be fired. Luckily for you, you haven't done anything that's fire-able yet, but trust me, in the real world with a job with more responsibilities you'd be on your ass and out the door. Not to mention there are a ton of people who would like your job, so if you don't like it, please move on so that we can actually hire someone who wants to work.

2) Show up to your job on time. Or early. And if you read the wrong schedule and I tell you that you need to be at work 20 minutes after the fact, don't sit there and be like "Oh. Thought I worked tomorrow. My bad. Well I'm no where near the store so..."

Bitch don't even play with me right now. You are an adult, so you best figure out a way to get here. It is your responsibility to read the right schedule. Thus it is also your responsibility to call someone else in for you if you cannot make it into work. Not mine. Nor is it okay for you to be so cavalier about missing your shift. Oh, you'll show up in time to follow me to the bank? I'm sorry but no that won't work. I need you here to do your job, whether you are in uniform or not. This is your job. And you are an adult. So figure it out.

3) Stop calling out. Calling out of work is reserved for either emergencies or illness. NOT for the weather or you wanting to go to a friends birthday party, or it being your birthday party and you forgot to ask off. If you must...for some god forsaken reason, call out, I hope for your sake you have all of the other employees numbers, (and no that does not include me working your shift or any other hire up working your shift) so that you may call them yourself and ask to either switch or have them take your hours. And please remember that NEVER is it my job to call the other employees for you to see if they'll work Your shift. This is your job. You grovel. Not me.

4) Do not question me about the list of things that I need you to do. And please do not say "Ok" with a smile on your face, and then continue to do the tasks slower than molasses in the winter time. I will not be amused. And in answer to your back talk about your tasks...I. AM. YOUR. BOSS.



Seriously, Kids these days. They just don't feel like working. It's shocking. Is this our future? Kids who don't want to work? Kids who don't want to study? Thus going through life doing the absolute bare minimum?