Thursday, September 4, 2014


So recently, and I mean recently, I've found myself kind of into Benedict Cumberbatch.

I mean...Cause damn.  Now don't get me wrong, he's not that type of guy you look at and you're like...HOLY SHIT BALLS THIS MAN IS HOT! I looked at him and an egg dropped and fertilized itself.

No he's the subtle, sneak up on you, kind of crush/like.  He's the kind of guy you look at, do a double take, think "Hmmno" Then you hear his voice....

And you go, "Why yes, yes my egg is ready to be fertilized, by you, and/or your voice, of both...or I'm rethinking my entire take on what I think a man is because...Holy shit, you're a MAN.

The first movie I saw him in was The Other Boleyn Girl, but I never even saw him. Ever. I actually had to look up who he was in that movie because I was 98% sure he wasn't in it and that IMDB had just made a horrible mistake.

The first movie I actually NOTICED him was in Star Trek, as he played Khan.  And my panties dropped.

Everything about him set me off.  His voice was the first thing I noticed about him, and honestly that's the first thing I notice about all of the men I'm attracted too.  the voice catches me, I hear it and I don't care what you look like, if it's deep, if its speaker is using proper grammar, and if it has an accent, I am 120% there and at full attention. And that's how I was when Khan spoke. I was like.. O_O YES! I WILL HELP YOU STEAL YOUR SHIPMATES BACK! FUCK OFF CHRIS PINE! THERES A REAL MAN IN TOWN.

Whoo giiiirl. Then I saw him, I saw his height (HELLO) and the character he played was so suave, so smart (which is the second thing I notice about a guy, if he's cocky/smart/sophisticated/confident, I'm so yours) Such an asshole. I was instantly attracted. He had complete control over what he wanted (Khan did) and Benedict Cumberbatch played his character so well...I just couldn't tear myself away.

I mean...Damn.

Then I heard his voice as Smaug. 

Now before you think "for real, you heard that dragon speak and you were like..HOMG BEN CUMBERBATCH?"  And the answer is, no. I heard  the voice and knew it. Kind of.  I loved the voice, and I knew it sounded familiar but I didn't know from what or from where.  Because he pronounced every syllable and dragged it out, I was a little thrown off.  But I loved the voice, I loved the voice so much, that when I realized who's voice it was, I wasn't surprised at all. Smaug's scene was my favorite scene in the movie to be honest.

 that and when Azog screams for Bolg. (Don't ask, I just love that scene I giggle everytime)

And then I watch Sherlock...and that was when I  become a 110% Cumberbitch (as they say) and I'm totally ok with this.

He seems like a genuinely nice down to earth guy, kind of awkward, but he seems like agoofy, cool guy to hang out with, and for some reason, those traits that I see (in his interviews and such) paired with his AMAZING voice, he has suddenly become overwhelmingly attractive to me.  even if he is 13 years older than me.

I'm still ok with this.  In so many ways that it's not even funny.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Last sunday I worked, and normally, like most sundays, I loved it. I loved it because I was the only SA (Sales Associate) on the floor thus, I made most of the money.  And even though the day was slow, I would have remained utterly happy and peaceful if these 3 bitches with asses the size of Jupiter hadn't walked in.

Now I mention their asses because they were huge, no I'm sorry, colossal, and speaking as someone who has a big butt, I understand the struggle. I understand that when someone needs to get by you, its hard to give them enough space to do so when you have a big bubble butt (for lack of a better term).  But damn, these ladies had asses that needed their own solar system and planets to orbit around them. Honestly I was afraid earth was going to rip away from its natural orbit and focus around these women's asses.

No lie.

Now remember I have no problem with their asses, I understand the struggle (well maybe not their struggle but I know of the general struggle)  What I have a problem with is their fucking attitudes and absolute REFUSAL to move their colossal asses OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!


So at first I had no problem with them, I went to go check on them, as I helped out my coworker, I asked if they were doing ok, they responded by ignoring me. Like blatantly.  My response to this is to ignore them back and watch them struggle. No lie.  I'm a cunt sometimes.

So now I'm like...the hell, and I'm standing their helping my friend all while listening to them speak loudly when all of a sudden I hear one of them say (loudly because the people in this god forsaken hellhole not only mumble but also do it loudly) She says "You had better shut the fuck up"

Now...I cuss, I cuss all the fucking time.  But not in a public place.

She then says "Lord knows, and I done already gone to church and errathang"

Oh yes these three ladies were indeed dressed in their sundays best, come right from sunday service, and just cussing up a storm.
Now I understand everyone curses, and I have no problem with it, but bitch as a human in general, don't you be dragging God into your mess. And judging by your general stuck up, ignorant attitude you've been showing while here in our store for the last 20 minutes I'd say you need to carry your ass right on back because you obviously either have something in your ears, or you are hard of learning.

And then...they did something that sent me through the roof.

So all three of them, colossal asses and all, sat down and spread (and I mean Spread) out all over the very last aisle, which happens to be right in front of our stock room door.
I'm used to this, and don't normally care much about it, but seeing as this aisle is narrow and on one side has huge handbags hanging off of it, it is kind of hard to get through so often I find myself trying to get people's shoes and I have to be like.. "Oh excuse me" which is fine because most polite normal people move the hell out of the way.

Except these women.  These women, with their gigantorific (which apparently isn't a word) asses refused to move as I politely said "Excuse me" as I desperately tried to claw my way through without doing myself bodily harm or without shoving the women out of my way.

Four times I had to claw my way through.  Four times I said "Excuse me" each time making sure to try and make eye contact with at least one of them so they knew I was there while also saying it louder.

They refused to move. Like a herd of elephants they just stood there acting like I was the inconvenience.  Uh no bitch you better move that fatass of yours.

Then one of them went up to the register and waited to be checked out. Now again, this normally happens because people don't realize I'm helping someone.  So I have a customer, and I've left to go get his shoes, and normally people just wait at the counter but sometimes they realize they need socks so they leave and go look for socks while I get their shoes.  Technically, since I'm the one that left first, my customer is still first but people dont realize that until I get back with someone elses shoes.
So I leave and come back, the guy I'm helping is looking at socks and this woman is up there, leaning against the counter, grabbing mini snickers and all up in my customers space like..."sorry you left so I'm up next"

The guy basically politely pushes her out of the way, but oh no, she's annoyed so what does she do? She leans against the counter, all in his space right near the credit card machine.  My guy, is about to swipe his card, and he politely moves the machine away from her and the look she gave was so unbelievable I almost thought I might have hallucinated.  She looked pissed, like honestly pissed that this guy didn't want her to see his pin number as he swiped his card.

Uhhh I'm sorry what?  Just because you think you drive a nice car (A damn Lincoln if I remember correctly) and carry a fucking LV (probably fake) bag, does not mean you get served first. And considering you're a rude ass bitch, the fact that I didn't call my co worker who was helping you in the first place to come and wring you out, making you wait a little while longer, is a god damn miracle. 
Like what the fuck?  It is times like this and people like those three ladies that make me hate working retail.
I've finally come to terms with the fact that I do not deal with grief like everyone else.  Or at least I dont deal with it like the people I know.

When I broke up with my bf of almost 2yrs I didn't call anyone. I didn't cry (actually I lied I did cry, but that was when i was breaking up with him, not after), I didn't get upset emotionally, I didn't eat a tub of ice cream or anything. I just, moved on. Or so I thought. 
I remember my best friend/sister called me immediately and basically said "WTF Just happened and why didn't you call me?!" I answered with a "Why would I? There's nothing to say. I broke up with him. He had it coming, he brought it on himself. It was his fault since he broke up with me first"
"Yeah but aren't you upset? Most normal people call after something like this Rebekah" -_-

My response was a shrug. My voice was stern and calm and normal. I, at the time, had no feelings.  A week later I was on the rebound (but honestly, didn't realize that I was).  I had no regards for my emotions because I didn't have any.  Meanwhile I watched over FB and listened as my bestie told me her bf (who is like a brother to me) compared me to his evil ex gf (which hurt me so much I almost cried) while also telling me my ex was going through the emotional wringer. I replied with a shrug, and encouraging words of "This is for the best, and he'll be fine" because the truth is, he will be. He probably is better off without me seeing as everyone is his life despised me, and we were in a place where we weren't getting along anymore.

It's hard to stick out a relationship when everyone is whispering about you to the point where you feel like you may be the devil.

Never the less, I went on, with my life, acting happy because I was free, chatting and hanging out with a guy I'd met a few weeks back, no cares, no troubles, no listening to my friends complain about how rude my ex had been to them. I could relax, my life was made better.  His life was made better he just didn't realize it.

And then when I was cleaning out my old room and moving everything into a different smaller, plainer room, I took out the black velvet box that held the opal necklace he gave me and all of a sudden a pang of unfortunate emotions came over me and they haven't left.  The emotions are mixed, they're filled of utter regret, sadness, relief, hurt, and sympathy and guilt. With a bit of understanding and strength that says "Suck it up bitch, what's done is done now walk it off"

I've since worn the necklace everyday. Haven't taken it off. For a while I didn't think anything of it. When friends asked about it I said I was wearing it because it's the only fine jewelry I've ever gotten and it's pretty.  when strangers complimented me on it, I thought nothing of saying who got it for me and when. I smiled when I said it.

I reorganized my new room on June 4th.  I put on the necklace on, June 4th.  Our 2 year anniversary is June 4th (or was). I haven't taken it off because I miss him. Terribly. It's disgusting really, and annoying. So much so that sometimes I actively have to remember the bad times we had together, the way he treated my friends and how his friends treated ME Just to get some type of relief. 

So now, and for what I feel is going to be a long time, I'm going to be stuck in this unhappy phase of mourning my relationship.  My mourning phase has just begun and I am not going to get over him for a long time. And while I do that, I will dissect our relationship, as I've been doing, and come to terms with the fact that even though a large bulk of my unhappiness in our relationship was due to him and/or his friends and family's disdain towards me, a lot of what happened was due to just plain me.

I can be a very toxic person when I want to be. So toxic in fact that I infect myself.

So while I look on FB, and know his life is moving up and on, and he's finally happy, and that it'd due to my absence from his life, and feel a huge pang of sadness and anger towards this, in the end I am truly happy for him. And while he has moved into the "acceptance" phase of mourning the loss of our relationship, I have just stepped into the "sadness" phase.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Us: Ma'am you have a return but you're getting these along with the exchange?
Her: Yes....
Us: Ok well did you want to do the even exchange and then buy these so that you have a receipt for them?
Her: *lalalalala*
Us:... Ok so do you want us to just do it as one transaction?
Her: lalalala*
Us: *wrings everything up* ok your difference is 70$something something
Her: *about to swipe card*
Us: Oh wait! I did that wrong, I forgot this was an exchange so your difference will be different. Since I have to fix this do you want me to do it all separate?
Her: Uh yes I know...thats why I told you to do it separate
US: no ma'am we made a mistake, which is why we caught it.  Your difference will be lower but I'm asking you if you want it to be separate so that you have a receipt for these...
Her: YES I KNOW Which is why I SAID do it separately so that you wouldn't mess it up *humph*
Us: never...
Her: Ive been waiting for you to see your mistake! that's why I said do it separate so you would see your mistake!

Fucking.  Moron.

1: Bitch you didn't tell us shit because your head was so far up your bitchy ass you weren't paying attention even though we asked you.
2: You didn't notice the mistake.  How do we know that? Because when we told you the original difference you were a nano second away from swiping your damn card and being blissed out.
3: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO US AND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IN RESPONSE. Seriously, you knew nothing of the mistake. You knew nothing about whether you wanted two separate transactions and when we tell you that we caught the mistake after we immediately told you your total don't act like you saw it and were just waiting for us to find it.  Like... What?\

I wish I had taped this convo because what I wrote doesn't even do the event justice.  I mean literally her responses to our statements made no sense. they kind of seem like they do here but they really didn;t. I was...flabbergasted.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

John Slattery

So I've recently starting watching Mad Men.

Slow, but good.  Handsome men, nice suits, and oh....Cristina Hendricks.

But John Slattery...
I've never liked an older man, other than George Clooney.

But John Slattery, I'm finding him more handsome than John Hamm. I'll let that sink in for a bit.  Especially since he's as old as my mother.


Monday, November 4, 2013


So for the past few weeks I've had this urge to write things, to write my thoughts, to write my problems, and I have...oh believe me I have, I just haven't posted them.

They're all sitting in the "draft" section of my blog that no one can see. And it's probably for the better since they're cryptic yet easy to unravel.  I'd post them, but something tells me not to because they're not something most people want to read, especially me.

Most of them are rants,  rants about how my life hasn't changed, rants about how reading the updates on your life are making it so abundantly clear that we're complete strangers, which is nothing like we used to be, and rants about you.  You and your bullshit, your childish bullshit you dragged me into, and the way you're handling me.

There are also rants about how my friends are utterly convinced that I'm the most miserable person alive when I'm in a relationship and that I need to be set free.
My argument is that I'm just not a mushy person, and I get bored easily, and that in most relationships I'm an unattached guy.
They're argument is...I'm unhappy no matter what I have in my life, thus I should be separated from human life.

My argument is that I just need to graduate, move the hell out of dodge and get my career started, while taking the last three people in my life with me.

As a controlling person, I have this need to know what is going to happen when I open my eyes and take my next breath.  This "Not knowing" not "Being in control" is killing me not-so softly and it's leaving me skeptical about everything I thought I knew. 
I thought I knew exactly who would remain in my life (Family excluded because they're always there thank god) but I don't.  As time passes I find myself on the outside, either included in a round about way or completely on the outside looking in on something unfamiliar, which is partially my fault because I don't try hard enough but...Its unsettling.  If I wanted to look at you through the imagined glass that is between us I would have put myself there and I would be happy about being there, the fly on the wall to your life. But I'm not, in fact I'm miserable here.  I'm lost.  I'm unhappy.  I'm screaming and banging on the glass in my head but when I look at myself from an outsiders perspective I see me just standing there, doing nothing, calmly looking in on the small portion of the life they let me see.  In reality I'm screaming though, banging and crying to be let back in, promising to be a better friend, While knowing all too well the future outcome of being on the outside of this window.
When I used to look up jobs I found tons, now I hardly find any and the ones I find I wouldn't qualify for, (no thanks to this damn school).  Music I used to love, I still love but the new stuff is changing and I no longer recognize who the band is.
And Me, my attitude towards people, towards school, towards life, is familiar, very familiar to my old teenage angst self, but different from what I was a few years ago.  I don't know this person at all.

My ability to care about what I say to people, or in general, is fading away and as the words fall out of my mouth and into the world I often laugh at them, as do those who hear them, but at the same time in my head I sometimes gasp at what I say, knowing there is no taking it back.

Maybe I just need a vacation.  From everything, a refresher.  I noticed that when I went on my first and second trip to Europe and Hawaii, I was happy, I came back refreshed and different and able to make tough decisions in my life.  I was able to accept the change that was happening around me and I was less bitter and my ability to let go was easier, along with the acceptance.

maybe I just need to let go, maybe I just need to let everyone and everything go, and watch and see where the chips fall. . .

as I drink wine of course.

Because like hell I'm watching me saying goodbye to everything sober.

bitch please.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Afraid- The Neighborhood

I am utterly addicted to this song.  Everything about it is amazing.  And speaks to me for some strange reason. 
This kind of fits how I've been feeling lately with school...